Us Vs Them: Why Sobriety Wasnt the Marriage Saver I Thought It Would Be

And it was when I didn’t drink a ton. You know, it obviously escalated over the years. So, I invited Dr. Navarra on the podcast.

At first, we were having the time of our lives. New country (for both of us), new people new adventures. But still, we didn’t really know each other the way you’re traditionally meant to before you go and marry a person. We’ll celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary. It’s not lost on me, though, that without my sobriety and without both of us possessing the willingness to put in the work, what we have wouldn’t exist.

Ask Erin: I Think Sobriety Is Killing My Marriage

When someone is irritable or experiencing mood swings, they may lash out or become defensive, making communication difficult. This can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements, making it hard to resolve conflicts. An example of enabling is offering money to the user on a consistent basis that they can use to buy drugs. He or she may ask for money for bills, gas, or groceries, but the money goes to drugs. Often, the loved one provides the money anyway, but they must draw a line to get the attention of a loved one who is addicted to drugs. Keep reading to learn the hard truth about addiction and relationships.

• By placing the needs of his staff and company ahead of his own, Peter leads with a team approach that continues to inspire the mission of Burning Tree Programs.
• Thankfully, there’s a lot of support out there for people living with an addicted spouse.
• What are the things that are not working?
• You may find other programs at your local church or through your therapist’s office.

But we fell into an unstable place. I’d have to chug half a bottle of hard cider and chain smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes before I could feel like a person again. Someone who’s stress levels weren’t spiked by chaos, culture clashes, and kamikaze drivers. In the first few months, the novelty of a https://ecosoberhouse.com/article/what-difference-between-a-sober-house-and-a-halfway-house/ new country and life was enough to keep my drinking a mostly social endeavor, albeit a reckless one. I don’t want to think about the small mortgage we pissed away on alcohol and cigarettes. In this country, getting wasted is a staple of Western expat life and we were eager participants.

Learn about substance use disorder

It is a process, something that happpens between two people, like a dance that requires the cooperation of both. Intimacy does not happen instantly (which is why sex on the first date rarely results in long-term relationships), but is the result of a series of moves made by each partner. As each move is made, acceptance of the increased closeness is sought, and without this acceptance the process comes to a screeching halt. Since a move towards closeness involves the risk of rejection, the process of intimacy usually advances slowly, as small moves are made and accepted.

Drugs and alcohol can cause people’s personalities to change drastically. While under the influence or while experiencing cravings, they may say or do things they wouldn’t normally do. Personality changes are hard on a spouse.

Drinking Was Hard On My Marriage. So Was Recovery.

Whatever you do, if you plan to stay in the relationship, know it’s going to be hard work. Anything worth doing is worth doing well, and anything worthwhile takes effort. Even in the healthiest marriages, things can go wrong. If you’re committed to living with an addicted spouse, you can take the following steps to help them get help. Some people may not face frightening situations such as the ones listed above. For them, it may be better to stay in the marriage and try to help a spouse with drug addiction.

Those questions haunted me for a long time as Bill struggled to reconnect with his emotions. He had never taken medication before. The antidepressant played havoc on his mind and body. He often expressed how he felt foggy and resented how it impacted our physical intimacy.

The support group is, first of all, a safe place in which one feels understood like nowhere else, since everyone there has had similar feelings and experiences. It is much easier to trust these relative strangers than it is to trust the loved one, who seems to have hurt us so often. When two people share a home, they’re going to have an influence on each other. Furthermore, if someone shares a home, and their life, with an addict, they have the risk to become addicted themselves. The transition to life after rehab has proven difficult for many couples. Often, in the early days of recovery, one partner tries to focus on the other partner’s addiction.

It’s well-known that substance use disorder (SUD) can negatively affect relationships. But what many people don’t realize is that even after sobriety, addiction can continue to have a negative impact. Most relationships are built on love, trust and support. It is safe to assume that most spouses do not intend to enable the other’s addiction. Since there is an emotional attachment, essentially snitching is a bridge too far for some people.

Strained Communication

I had a child to raise that depended on me. After a rough bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression, my addiction took off, and I went from binge-drinking once a month to daily drinking to escape the depression and anxiety. I’d begun moving toward marriage after sobriety isolation, alienating my friends and family, and my son’s father was the last one to go. At the same time, don’t give up hope—if both of you are truly committed to saving your marriage, building a new and healthy relationship is possible.

Our sobriety allows us to have the clarity and insight necessary to be able to communicate these things in our relationships. When we were still embroiled in our addictions, our thinking, our judgment and our ability to process things were all impaired. We used all kinds of coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms to cope with our difficult feelings and to try to protect ourselves. We might have been dishonest, controlling or manipulative, often in an attempt to shield ourselves from more hurt. Once we’re sober, we’re able to start thinking more clearly.